On the night before Halloween of ’38 I was working the beat. Most people who were listening to Orson Welles on the radio went goofy and I got called out on a domestic disturbance. This family had been listening to the show after dinner and the father had been tipping a few. About the time the first pod “landed” he went completely off the track and thought we had actually been invaded. The boob started talking about the end times and hauled off and pasted his wife in the puss. He’d tied the kids to their beds and was holding a gas can when I got there. Said he figured he’d put everyone outta their misery before the Martians got to em.
I wasn’t that gullible. Lauren was even crazier than Bobby. She thought she was an actual Martian. One look at Danny told me he didn’t believe her story either.
“You look human to me. You speak English.”
“A personal projector. Very useful technology. It makes trade relations easier if everyone looks and sounds alike.”
“How convenient.” My words dripped with sarcasm. “Look, I still don’t understand why you’re handing out rayguns.”
“Plasma pistols, Detective Richards. But allow me to explain. My planet was destroyed by invaders several decades ago while I and several others were offworld. The realization that all of our friends and family, our home, our way of life, everything, was gone…” She paused and swallowed hard. “It was devastating. We drifted for years. Aimless. Wandering. Then we heard your signal: Harding had defeated Cox to gain your presidency. We continued to listen and to learn about you. You seemed peaceful. Naïve, perhaps, but mostly harmless.”
I sat and listened but not buying anything Lauren was selling. Danny jotted down the key points anyway.
“We came here with the purpose of moving on, rebuilding, and continuing to live. We have done so for quite some time. As the years passed it became evident that we would not be left alone. Your radio signals came to the attention of others. They began contemplating visitation, but then your war began and they did not wish to reveal themselves to a civilization in strife. Now that peace has been brokered they will come.”
“More space men?”
“Yes. The Erelim are not the only space-faring race. There are many others. Collectively, we are the Seraph Coalition. I am confident that an envoy will arrive soon.”
I decided to play along. “But why the ray…er, plasma pistols? Are the rest of your people not friendly?”
Lauren bristled. “My people are Erelim first, Seraphim second.” She gritted her teeth after she spoke the last word and whistled a breath through them before continuing. “Others in the Coalition are not like us, not content to let all they encounter live in peace. Newly discovered races are evaluated for usefulness to the Coalition. If the envoy judges humans worthy you will be inducted, but if they determine you are inadequate you will be destroyed and us along with you. That is why the plasma pistols. You must be able to defend yourselves if necessary.”
“Hedging your bets? Why not just push off? Set sail for greener pastures.”
“For a Detective you are a poor listener.”
I cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Earth is now our adopted home. We will not be so quick to abandon it.”
“I can understand that. I don’t feel like letting a bunch of things from outer space walk all over us neither.” I leaned forward. The orphan space men story was a real hoot but I had a job to do. “But back to the plasma pistols. We’ve still got one crate of them unaccounted for. Is it here or have they already been sold?”
“There are no plasma pistols here. If Bobby was not in possession of them then it is safe to say that they have been distributed. However, we have several more ready to go.”
“We have our own weapons if it comes to that.”
“You speak of your internal combustion metal slug designs? Surely you can see that plasma is superior.”
“Maybe. But we’ve got the bomb, too.”
Her expression turned smug. “The United States of America have the bomb. If this country is destroyed first then what hope does the rest of humanity have? The Soviet Union is still several years from having a viable weapon. No other power is remotely close.”
“And if we have plasma pistols and we get destroyed first then what hope does the rest of humanity have?”
“We have agents in all of the world powers currently supplying them with weaponry.”
She was slippery. I took a different tack. “Are you handing out ammo, too? If not, you shouldn’t even bother with the pistols because they only have five shots before they’re done. The heater we’ve got at the station is all used up and useless.”
“Additional ammunition is not necessary if the five shots are used against invaders rather than your own citizens.” She resettled her weight in the chair. “You said that you would not like to be walked on. We are giving you that opportunity. Or you can take the chance the envoy will see something in humans, something worthy. It’s up to you.”
“What I see in humans every day isn’t worth piss in the gutter, but I also know what we can do when we band together against a common enemy. I appreciate the offer but we don’t need your help.”
“I do not require your permission, Detective Richards.”
“Even if I ask nicely? Please stop selling the pistols.”
“No.”
I stood up. “Have it your way. We’ll be back with a warrant for all the crates you’ve got wherever they are. Thanks for your time, Lauren.” Danny pocketed his notebook and got to his feet.
Lauren remained seated. “I’m sorry, Detectives, but I cannot allow you to leave.”
My eyebrows went up. I looked at Danny then back to Lauren and smiled. “Who’s gonna stop us, doll? You? And what army?”
Lauren put her hands in her lap. “While the personal projector can put certain races at ease it can occasionally be a hindrance.” She stood up and moved the chair to the side like it was made of matchsticks. “Since you can’t seem to take me seriously I will now turn the projector off.”
She moved her right hand and tapped her stomach just under her rib cage. Lauren and the apartment around her got hazy like the street does on a blistering summer day. There was a sharp pop and then Lauren was gone. At least the human looking Lauren was gone.
What stood there in the apartment was bright red and shiny as an apple. The tall, broad torso had two arms attached on either side of it at chest level and bent forward into a pincer shape. The triangular head had sharp features but seemed to follow human-Lauren’s basic lines. Compound eyes sparkled in the sunlight and her jaw hinged open slightly, her tongue flicking out in the same motion as earlier. Her trap snapped shut, clacking like a clapperboard. Her body stretched almost all the way to the ground and then curved back. Four short, stout legs lined her abdomen which ended in a pointed tail. Spines about a foot long bristled along her back as the tail waved to and fro.
As Danny and I watched she grabbed the leather chair with one hand and whipped it over her head, bringing it down hard onto the spines lining her back. They went through the leather like butter, driving deep inside the chair. Her tail then twisted around and shooed the piece of furniture off like a fly. It landed with a thud near the kitchen. Within seconds it began sagging, collapsing in on itself and eventually dissolving into a bubbling mess.
Just as my brain was about to crawl out of my ears and go hide in the corner, alien-Lauren clicked a button strapped to her chest and the red-skinned creature hazed out then popped back to human-Lauren standing in her skin-tight dress.
“As you can now hopefully understand, if we wanted humankind dead or subservient to us we would have no trouble doing so. We only want to help. I am sorry that our weapons were used to murder one of your people but that is not our intention. We know your people’s history of violence against your own. We know the depths that your hatred and fear of that which you do not understand will take you to. We realized long ago that by introducing our technology into human society we risked having you turn on yourselves or on us. There was much discussion about how to reduce that risk, including avoiding it all together.”
I stood like a statue and stared at her.
“Despite your faults, humans have a tremendous capacity for love and a strong desire to do what is right and just no matter the cost. It was this knowledge that swayed us. Ultimately, we decided that you deserve the same respect and consideration that our people were once given.” She cleared her throat and smoothed her dress. “You may leave with the understanding that you will not attempt to hinder our activities in any way, including keeping any mention of us out of your reports. Simply state that the point of origin was a dead-end and that no one was aware there were crates of rayguns going out let alone where they came from. Is that clear?”
I could feel Danny’s eyes burning a hole through me. With the slightest shake of my head I said, “Crystal.”
“Then you may go.” She walked to the door and opened it. We walked back down the hall and rang for the elevator.
“Sam.” There was an urgency in the look my partner gave me that I’d never seen before.
“No, Danny. We do it her way.” The elevator arrived and we stepped in. “Lobby, please.”
We rode down without speaking. The operator got another nickel and we crossed the lobby. “Are you out on the roof, Sam? Tell me we’re coming back here with backup and taking that thing out.”
“Lower your voice.” I pushed open the door. “Stop thinking like a soldier for a second. I’m not clamming up because she told me to. She’s not gonna melt us like that chair, she said so herself: the Erelim are happy to just have everyone get along. This is their new home, they’re not gonna blast it to smithereens. No, I’m doing it her way because that’s the only way we stay outta padded rooms.”
“Goddammit, Sam, we’re not crazy.” We got in the car and I turned the engine over.
“No, we’re not. But did we believe Bobby?”
“No, but Bobby is crackers.”
“He looks and sounds crackers, sure, but he was straight with us even if we didn’t buy it at first. What about Lauren? Did we believe her?”
“Not before she turned her disguise box off. God, that thing gives me the heebie jeebies.”
“So who do you expect to believe us if we come back talkin about space aliens who have been here for years and that there’s more of em on the way?”
“And when the bigger alien bastards show up, what then?”
“I dunno. It doesn’t matter right now. Right now mum’s the word. Ain’t no aliens here. The point of origin was a dead-end. We’ll arrest Bobby for trafficking if he hasn’t already taken the run-out. Case closed.”
He shook his head but agreed. “If you say so. Let’s hit the road, Sam.”
I gunned the engine and laid rubber as I pulled away.
We went back to the warehouse but it had been swept clean and Bobby was nowhere to be found. On a hunch we hit up the apartment again and asked the concierge about the occupant of unit 3262. He said his records were private unless we had a warrant but a fistful of simoleons made him forget about that restriction. Lauren had paid a ton of scratch to break the lease and left no forwarding address.
I filed my report, keeping my promise to make no mention of Lauren or aliens. That night I had another nightmare. But instead of fish men there were six-limbed, bright red porcupine things turning everyone into bubbling piles of goo.
When I got to work the next morning there were two black sedans parked in front of the station with a black wagon in between them. As soon as I put my foot in the door Stevens rushed over.
“What the hell did you step in, Richards?” His mustache hopped up and down as he spoke and his cheeks were ruddy.
“Sorry, I don’t-”
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